


Insomnia

by catchthesemittens



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Hurt Peter Parker, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Feels, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker is a Mess, Pining, Pining Peter Parker, Post-Spider-Man: Far From Home, Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Precious Peter Parker, Protective Peter Parker, Sad Peter Parker, Spider-Man: Homecoming Spoilers, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 08:42:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19943344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catchthesemittens/pseuds/catchthesemittens
Summary: After the events of Endgame, Peter has been struggling to sleep for a while now. His thoughts leave him sad and hopeless, but maybe MJ is the light at the end of the tunnel.





	Insomnia

It’s three in the morning and no matter what I do, I still can’t fall asleep. This has been happening to me for weeks now. I told May and she thought I might have suffered some kind of brain damage fighting Thanos’ goons. Happy says it might be PTSD from, you know, dying. Ned thinks my powers may be overloading my brain and causing me to slowly turn into an actual spider. He’s been waiting by my locker at school every morning as if I’m going to suddenly show up with eight eyes and seems genuinely disappointed when I don’t look disgusting.

It's definitely not any of those. Well, I might have PTSD, but I definitely don’t have eight eyes.

That said, my brain keeps going back to the same thoughts over and over. Sometimes I think about what happened to us on Titan, how we came back. Others I’ve thought about simple things like homework or the Decathlon team. Most nights, my mind wanders to Ben and Tony and then I just cry for a while. 

It’s been really hard for a long time. First, I lost both of my parents. I was really young, so my memories of them are faint, but I’ll never forget how much they loved me. Finding someone who would care for me so much again should’ve been impossible, but there I was with Ben and May. As the years passed, we only grew closer. But then Ben died, and I wasn’t sure the hole in my heart would ever be filled. That was until one day when I opened the door to our crappy old apartment and found the tiniest shred of hope that I would be whole again sitting on my couch. Now he’s gone too.

Feeling genuinely happy can be kind of rare these days. I know that this is part of the hero thing. I’m going to have these incredible abilities, but in return, I’m going to lose some battles. I just didn’t know it would be this many. 

It’s hard to get out of bed for school some mornings cause I don’t want May to see how red my eyes are. At least the tissue industry is thriving.

That isn’t to say that I don’t have things to keep me going. Happy calls me all the time to check-in and tell me about Morgan. Ned has never been more ridiculous, but I’ll always love him for it. May is so strong and I honestly can’t believe how amazing she’s been through everything. Having them all know about the Spider-Man gig has been cool too, even if it makes me worry all the time. They’re wonderful and I couldn’t be more grateful to have them in my life. That said, there’s been something that I just can’t get off of my mind, something that makes the sad thoughts seem to disappear. Or should I say, someone.

Thinking about MJ is what pulls me out of the darkness. God, I like her so much. Just the thought of her makes it all so much easier.

I don’t know when my feelings started, but she’s all I can think about some days. Maybe it’s her smile that shows the tooth she’s so embarrassed about, but I think is adorable. It could be the way that she absolutely roasts the shit out of me, which I deserve every single time. I definitely like both of those things and so many more. That said, I think my favorite is how unafraid she is to be herself. I’ve never met someone so comfortable with being weird and nerdy, someone who isn’t embarrassed to speak her mind and put her foot down. MJ never tries to be anything but MJ, and I envy that.

It kills me, cause all I want to do is tell the truth. It’s so hard to live as both Peter and Spider-Man. One is always getting in the way of the other. I’m so tired of hiding this part of me, I could scream.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been surrounded by people who don’t have to hide it. Tony, the Avengers, all of them have something that I don’t. Well, had something in Tony’s case, I guess. They aren’t afraid to be heroes, or if they are, they don’t show it. They aren’t afraid to let the world see them for who they truly are. If someone came after the people they love, it’s game on. I really wish that was me, but I’m just so damn scared all the time. I live this double life and I want to tell the world, but it could ruin everything.

Maybe I don’t have to though. I’ve been thinking about this for a little bit and maybe if I could just tell her, it would make it better. If I can let her know how I feel and tell her I’m Spider-Man, maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I love my little Spidey crew, but having someone who won’t breathe down my neck constantly will be a nice change. Knowing that I’m finally being honest with someone on my terms, would be such a sigh of relief. I would get to tell her myself instead of having yet another person stumble into me in that stupid suit.

But what if it doesn’t work? What if she doesn’t believe me? What if she doesn’t share these feelings and she thinks I’m some creep? What if she tells my secret? Is it worth it to let someone in, only to know that they might betray everything I’ve worked so hard to hold together? I’m not sure.

But I am sure about one thing. I want her to know, I want her to like me too, and I want her to see me for more than some schmuck who’s always late and goes missing. But she probably thinks I’m just a loser who can’t afford to get a new watch battery. If only she knew what was really happening.

Honestly, the secret isn’t even the worst of it. If the world finds out I’m Spider-Man, that really sucks for me, but I would live. I’m the least of my worries. The true risk is putting the lives of everyone that I’ve told into question all cause I couldn’t keep my stupid mouth shut. If MJ knew, I would be adding her to a list of people that’s already too long and if something ever happened to her, it would be my fault. I don’t think I could ever forgive myself for that. I’ve lost too much.

So, what do you do Peter? Is it worth the pain, the fact that everything could fall apart in an instant, for the chance to look her in the eyes and tell her how you feel? Is it worth the chance of seeing that smile right before you kiss her? What if the worst is yet to come? Would you survive another funeral?

The thought is interrupted when my alarm goes off signaling the start of the morning. Another day of no sleep ahead of me, exciting. I grab some recently purchased eyedrops and get ready. 

Maybe today is the day though. I’ll walk up to her after school and tell her how I feel, tell her who I am, tell her how much it hurts to keep it a secret for this long. I could take the leap, no chance to look back.

Or, maybe it’s not. I’ll walk by her in the hallway, give her a wave as I nearly trip over my shoelaces, and think about it all night once again.

I guess I’ll have to find out.


End file.
